Case Study - Partnering/Relationships

“Understanding how your own Life Puzzle is coming together is important of course”, I said to Jason who had come as a client because the woman he was head over heels in love with was driving him crazy (his word!). “But when you’re in a relationship, you need to understand your partner’s Life Puzzle too. Have you ever stopped and asked your SELF, Jason—who is this woman and how is her Life Puzzle coming together?”

Jason sat across from me looking at the Life Puzzle magnet board. I could tell he was quietly thinking about the missing pieces in his own Life Puzzle—but it was the first time he’d ever considered there were missing pieces in his girlfriend’s Life Puzzle!

He said, “Wow, maybe it’s not all me?” He had spent most of this session thinking he needed to rearrange all the pieces in his Life Puzzle to accommodate her! His logic was if he changed himself then her roller coaster pattern of volatile outbursts/withdrawal would somehow become manageable and they’d be all happy and lovey-dovey!

“Jason, great relationships are difficult in the best of situations, but they’re only possible when each partner takes full responsibility for their own Life Puzzle and brings it fully into the relationship. Based on what you’re telling me, Lisa (his girlfriend) is totally out of touch with her SELF. Her edges are missing, she doesn’t manage her feelings and thinking areas at all—and her parents are still mightily crossing her edges and shaping her SELF by telling her which choices she should make in most areas of her life. She seems inclined to let that happen for now. Who then are you trying to have a relationship with? Lisa—an adult woman who is building her own Life Puzzle or Lisa--a child with lots of scrambled pieces that she doesn’t appear to want to take responsibility for unscrambling?”

“It’s not me then, huh?” Jason replied. I smiled and said, “Relationships require two people—each taking responsibility for their own lives and consciously choosing to work on a relationship.” Do you think Lisa is ready to do this?” Jason shook his head no. “Do you think it’s because you’re not a great guy or is it because she’s not yet ready to be an adult capable of making a healthy relationship?”

“So, there’s nothing I can do to make her love me?” Jason said in that pleading voice of a person who thinks “someone loving me” is a soap opera drama of dependency and angst. And I said, “Oh, you mean, can you hand over your SELF for her to stomp all over and scramble the pieces of your Life Puzzle in the name of calling that ‘her loving you?”

Jason laughed again. I ask him, “Why would you want to do that? Because you’re a healthy, whole adult male taking full responsibility for your SELF or because you’re a little boy who wants this little girl to say she loves him so he’ll be able to pretend he’s a loveable guy?”

“Right now Jason, our discussion truly has nothing to do with Lisa loving or not loving you. It really boils down to Jason deciding if he’s going to love Jason. That’s the spiritual edge; the final piece of a true and loving SELF. It doesn’t depend on Lisa loving you, it depends on you loving you. But you’re acting as if Lisa has to love you first, then you’ll love you. Sorry Jason, and all that will get you is a life-long process of rollercoaster relationships—and you will be the one who put your SELF on that rollercoaster! Lisa doesn’t put you on or off that rollercoaster—you do. Yes, I agree her behavior is volatile and makes for a wild ride to be around—but it is you who is choosing to get on this rollercoaster with her. Do you really want to do this?”

By the end of the session Jason was beginning to redefine what it is to be in a relationship. It isn’t about handing over your SELF to another person and hoping they’ll treat you right. It is about owning your own SELF and trusting that your partner owns their own SELF. Then the two of you work together—each creating your own whole and dynamic life while weaving a journey of respect for each other. Through the course of a great relationship, each person takes responsibility for sharing, communicating needs, wants, desires while finding a balance that works for both people. This isn’t easy but it is doable. However, a relationship that starts without both people taking full responsibility for their lives guarantees a rollercoaster ride that rarely produces a winning relationship for both! So before starting any work in your relationship piece, check in first with the SELF responsibility area—of both people involved in the relationship!  And then remember, every piece impacts the whole!